Loneliness doesn’t always look like what we might imagine. When we look out for children who are lonely, we might be quick to think of those who play on their own or don’t appear to have many friends. The reality of loneliness for many children, however, is much deeper than that. Young people can feel they are alone, even if on the surface they aren’t, and those who look lonely might, in fact, just enjoy their own company.
Children and young people experience loneliness when their needs for social interaction and relationships are not met. They feel it when no one else seems to understand them or when they don’t feel listened to. When young people can’t find peers with similar interests or experiences, they can struggle to find connections and this leads to feeling alone.
Loneliness can also be compounded by other factors in a child’s life. Perhaps they have experienced a recent change or transition, a bereavement or loss of relationship. It may be that there has been a family breakdown or their friendships have changed. Experiences like these can feel hugely unsettling and can be something that others find hard to understand.
The impact of loneliness on a young person can be far-reaching. It can affect their physical health along with their ability to develop social behaviour, even into adulthood. It can cause a child to be reluctant to try new things for fear of rejection or failure. Alternatively, it can increase risky behaviour, perhaps with teens who are try new things as a way of fitting in or making friends. One of the crucial areas it can impact is mental health.
It's often difficult to determine whether loneliness causes poor mental health or vice versa. Either way it is important to acknowledge that mental health issues and loneliness are inextricably linked. It has been suggested that feelings of loneliness can contribute towards problems such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and stress.
Identifying lonely children
Identifying those that need support isn't always easy, but there are some aspects that put certain children at greater risk of facing loneliness.
Children and young people can find it difficult to express how they are feeling. It may be that the children who are irritable, whiny, aggressive, withdrawn or who seem to push other children away, are actually behaving that way from a place of loneliness. so these children need to be on your radar too.
When it comes to feeling alone, some children will seek out support for themselves, but unfortunately many won’t. Here are some ways you may be able to help those struggling with loneliness:
One aspect of loneliness is that you feel like no one else understands you. One way to help children who are feeling like this, is to open up a dialogue so that they have the opportunity to share their experiences. Ask them about their friendships and life at school. Ask them what could be done to make them feel less lonely.
2. Seek to show empathy
For children to feel valued and accepted, it’s important they feel listened to and understood. When speaking with them, try to imagine what life is like for them. We can’t always fix children’s problems but we can help to reassure them that their feelings are okay.
3. Take an interest in them
One of the biggest ways to care for children and young people, whatever they are experiencing, is to take an interest in them. As we thought about earlier, it is in our nature to want to be known and understood. So, ask them how they are and ask questions about things they are interested in. Building connections with young people helps increase their self-esteem, resilience and social skills.
Often children are lonely because they don’t know how to make or maintain meaningful relationships. If you're a teacher, consider making this part of your curriculum. You could involve group activities and collaborative working to help them develop their skills further. If you're a parent, make sure you have regular conversations, and be sure to model these skills in your own interactions.
Sometimes, the best way you can help a child or young person is to recognise when they need professional support. This could be by referring them to a school mentor or pastoral worker, or to a school support group that brings lonely children together. It may be that counselling could be the answer, either at school, or privately.