How to support a child with intrusive thoughts

We will all have our own experiences of unwanted thoughts. Those thoughts that pop into our minds uninvited and out of nowhere, perhaps a moment of embarrassment or something we would love to forget. For some children and young people, however, intrusive thoughts like this can become persistent, deeply unsettling and overwhelming to a point of real distress. But what are intrusive thoughts and how might you support a child who’s experiencing them?

What are intrusive thoughts?

Intrusive thoughts are any thoughts that enter your mind and consciousness without warning. They can be unexpected or triggered by a situation or event that causes distress. They can also come back repeatedly for a period of time where it feels hard to escape them.

Intrusive thoughts can come in the form of worries such as “what if…happens?” or imagining worst case scenarios. They can be flashbacks to particular moments of trauma in a child’s life or sights and smells that the young person associates with a traumatic event. They can also be particularly unsettling thoughts and images such as hurting themselves, or others, and explicitly sexual or violent thoughts.

When a young person begins to experience these kinds of thoughts they can question why they’re having them, where they’ve come from and what truth there is to them. The thoughts and images can feel so real to the individual that it can bring feelings of worry, shame, fear and guilt. The young person may question whether they’re a bad person for having such thoughts or wonder whether they’re going to act on them.

Why do we have intrusive thoughts?

We will all experience unwanted thoughts at some point in our lives but some children and young people may experience them to such an extent that it becomes deeply unsettling and distressing. Intrusive thoughts like this can be a symptom of stress in a person’s life or particular hormonal changes they are experiencing. It can also be linked to particular mental health disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and other Anxiety disorders.

It’s important to recognise that intrusive thoughts are just that, they are intrusive. They are unwelcome and uninvited. They are not a reflection on the child’s character or genuine desires. This is why intrusive thoughts can be so distressing because they are at odds with a child’s sense of self and their character. Whilst it can be alarming to hear that a child is experiencing such thoughts, it’s important to remember it does not represent who they are.

How can I support a child with intrusive thoughts?

So how can we help a young person experiencing intrusive thoughts? Here's our guide:

Know what intrusive thoughts are

The first part of helping a child with intrusive thoughts is to educate them on what they are. Young people won’t always know what intrusive thoughts are and may feel guilt or shame for having them. As you educate them, help them to understand that an intrusive thought is any unwanted thought that is concerning and disturbing them and one that feels hard to control. It’s important that they understand these thoughts are separate from themselves and don’t reflect what they desire or believe, that they don’t hold meaning or value.

As the child shares their thoughts with you, try not to interpret them or put significance on them as this can amplify their distress and can make their feelings worse. If you begin to speculate why they are having them they will feel it is their fault and perhaps there's something wrong with them.

Identify and acknowledge them

Once a child understands what intrusive thoughts are, you can then help them to notice and acknowledge when they are having them. Encouraging them to name the thought as intrusive when they're having it (“this is an intrusive thought”) will help them to remember this thought hasn’t come from them and isn’t a reflection of themselves.

As they have these thoughts try to help them to remember that not all thoughts are facts. There is not always truth to our thoughts and they don’t always reflect what we believe. Rather than suppressing them, help them to identify and acknowledge the thoughts they’re having. This will help them to name them as intrusive and move past them. You can model this as you talk about thoughts you might have and how you acknowledge them. You can also help them by telling them a thought is intrusive and not reacting in fear or worry with what they’ve shared.

Show understanding and empathy

One of the best ways to support a child with intrusive thoughts is to be open and approachable to them. If a child feels they can confide in you about how they are feeling they will feel better able to cope with their experiences. Try to show empathy as they speak to you, ask questions to try to understand what life is like for them, what feelings these intrusive thoughts might evoke in them and how they are viewing themselves as a result.

One of the most unsettling parts of experiencing these thoughts is that it causes you to feel shame and guilt, questioning whether you’re a bad person or not. Try to listen and not react with judgment. By acknowledging these thoughts and not judging them, they will feel understood and supported. They will know that these thoughts are separate from themselves and not a true reflection of their character or desires.

For children and young people overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts, there is help available. As you educate them on these thoughts, they will feel better able to identify and acknowledge when they’re having them. But also by offering understanding and empathy they will know that their thoughts are not facts and especially not a reflection of who they are.